i.

i loved S’s stability, the shape of his arms— i loved his bookcase and his matcha powder tin and his driving kindness. most of all, i loved the way he smelled, the mix of two heritages & the huggable gene-soup body that came of it.

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i still smell the ghostly traces of his fragrances everywhere; his amber & iris prada cologne and the silly old bay deodorant i associate him with. i’ve never met anyone who’s natural scent i enjoyed more.

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accidentally dating S taught me that i should love and appreciate myself more: that there is at least one more wonderful human out there that is very capable of loving me for the aileen that i am. my body still feels lush and pained, for i like the way he stares at me. he possesses a sort of gentleness and control i find rare.

ii.

i went to the snoopy museum with M today! she drove us all the way to santa rosa in her honda fit; a compact little aubergine car named betty. she can squeeze in the tightest parallel parking spots and she has the most mom-ish laugh (i have not figured out how to describe it yet— braying and sweet).

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we always get strauss-based ice cream after we hang out <3

dennis o’neil, a former editor for the DC comics, theorizes that Peanuts was so successful because it’s contents are intertwined with our humanness: “…frustration, loss and fear of loss, insecurity, aspiration of art and heroism, love, lust, sibling rivalry, arrogance, kindness, friendship, disgrace, rebellion, and the existential orneriness of everyday existence.”

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both grand and minute, these themes are expressed with charm and unfailing humor in these lil newspaper drawings. that is what made charles schulz one of the most evocative and identifiable artists of our century. art is a timeless human endeavour!! it helps us remember how simple and/or complicated life can be!! S grew up reading the sunday peanuts comics & voiced this well in one of our old emails:

iii.

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my friends joke that i’m always emoting: at the office, between pickleball serves, waiting in line at safeway.

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there is no shame in expanding my joy take up a room-- that was something i always loved about peanuts. they make emoting feel normal! panel by panel, schulz captures expressiveness in his comics. comics are strengthened by this satire & exaggeration—their stories are a form of telling, vivid and impassioned.

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we must express ourselves to let the feelings escape. when things pile up, our minds are threatened with fracture.

iv.

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writing this, it’s almost painful to pencil in the details again-- the way his hand felt on my thigh during the drive along the coast. the keen, searching look in his eyes, the soft slight curlyness of his hair.

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S and i broke up, but through him, i have learned that two things will always be timeless: snoopy & courtship.

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thank you <3